No matter what happens she's always going to be on my mind, and a part of my life. Once they're in. They are in. And there is nothing you can do about it. It's like love and hate. Same coin. Just different sides. Thought I hated her. Thought I wanted her dead. But turns out I just plain old wanted her.

When she got hurt by this vamp one time. She came to me. Me of all people. She wanted to know what it took to stay alive. Told her she had a death wish. Vamp got a real good tear out of her too. I almost break down sometimes when I think what could have happened. But she's the slayer comes with the job. But I never would have had this time with her. Never would have gotten the chance to tell her i love her.

Too bad this bottle can't stop all the pain from coming and my emotions from taking over. I never would have gotten to tell her I loved her. God I've said it to her so many bleeding times now. But I would have been denied that chance, that opportunity. It would have been horrible. Worst somehow than having had this time together. I know she may never fully return my feelings, but at least we had these moments together. They almost didn't come you know? I did some really screwed up things before we got together. After solider boy went away. I worked up the nerves to try to show her how I felt about her. I tried to kiss her. Saw the opportunity went for it. She rejected me out right of course. Threw money in my face. Said I was beneath her. I've been there recently and believe me it's not a bad place. But at the time she meant I wasn't worthy of her. She made me cry you know.

She's always playing and messing with my feelings like that. And I'm always letting her. I was angry. She always does that. She makes me so angry I loose it. Then I go and try to do something even more stupid. I was going to fulfill her death wish that she had going. I got my shot gun, called her a bitch, and told Harmony I was going to finish her off once and for all. I was angry too. I really thought I could do it too. I really thought I could hurt her. I was still angry when I got there.

She made me feel used and cheap, throwing the money at me like that. Telling me I was beneath her. Then there she is sitting on the back porch. Head down vulnerable. She would have been a sitting duck. She would never have seen it coming. I could have done it you know. But I really couldn't have. She looked up, all tears in her eyes. I've never seen her look so vulnerable and lost. That was it for me. Anything she'd said to me, anything she'd made me feel it was gone. In that instant when she looked up, all my anger was gone. And I knew. I knew myself and what I felt for her, and what I would do for her, if she ever asked me. Anything she needed I would be there for her. That was the last time I ever had any serious thoughts of really hurting her. I've seen the measure of this man, and I know how I feel about her.

Instead like a sap, I lowered the shot gun, and I went over to see if there was anything I could do for her. She didn't answer at first, she just sat there. I didn't know what to do really. Never seen her like that before. I just sat beside her silent too. She let me pat her back, in silence. We sat there for I can't remember how long. Then she finally started to come around. She told me about her mom that night. I stayed with her the whole night. She needed to get away from the house, so we went for a drink. She bought me drinks all night. I stayed and listened to her. She talked about her mom. She talked about her fears, she shared herself with me that night. I had told her something's about my past earlier that day. But this was like we were friends. Sitting there talking drinking. I knew how I felt about her. I'd care about anything she cares about. Forgive her just about anything too. I'd do just about anything for her. And I have, helping her out and those friends of her. Always liked Red. Nibblet's cool too. She loves the stories I tell. Watcher boy was ok. He put me up, once when I didn't have a place to stay. He was really decent. A little too protective of Buffy. Made me wonder sometimes. But I know, I was wrong there. Then there's Xander. Don't like him sometimes. Acts like too much of a poofster. But then he don't much like me sometimes. But we care bout Buffy. That's where we have mutual ground. Red and Xander's other half's are ok. They're like me sometimes. They're not of the original scoobies. So there are times when I can identify with them. But over all, it's all about Buffy for me. Being with her, loving her. Spending time with her. We've had so much time together. Yet not so much time together. I really wish she hadn't broken it off with me. Now I miss her again.

I told her I loved her for the first time in this abandoned building you know. She wouldn't even hear me out. But I got to tell her later, I had to tie her up to do it, but I finally got to. You can't imagine what it's like. To feel for someone that deeply and be denied the right to tell them how you feel. I tied her up, and I made her look at me. I told her how I felt, told her she was in my gut, and that I was drowning in her. Dru laughed me silly in the background. But I still got the words out. It was a bitter sweet release for me. I knew it was wrong, stupid. I'm not a complete idiot. But I had to let her know how I felt. Couldn't keep it inside anymore. After it was out. I couldn't take it back. Didn't want the words back. I wanted her to know. I was drowning in her like some bloody romantic fool. But it was true ya know. Everything I had. Everything I felt, was about her. And me wanting needing and loving her desperately.

After I tied her up and told her I loved her. I did something really stupid. -Yeah more stupid than that even.- She blocked me from her house you know. Got all her friends to stop speaking to me. Even Nibblet was mad at me. So I did something really stupid. See Warren robot boy came to town with this new girlfriend. Yeah turns out she was a robot. His other girlfriend didn't like that very much. So I got him to build me my own robot. The Buffy bot. Got to say he put his monies worth into it. She looked just like the real thing. Except she wanted the big bad. She wanted me. I was stupid and desperate. Love makes you do really stupid things.

It's just after she blocked me from her house. Stopped speaking to me all together. Then there was nothing for it. If I couldn't have the real thing. Then I was going to have the next best thing. Cause nothing else would do. Love's like a drug, once you get it the first time nothing else will do. And she was in my system, good and plenty. I just wanted to know that I had a chance. That someday. But after she closed that door in my face I knew that was the end of it. Knew it was over before it even began.

Yeah So I got Warren to build me a Buffy bot. She was actually nice to me. The way Buffy never was back then. She's not much nicer to me now sometimes. But least now she let's me in. Let's me hold her...touch her...caress...her. God I miss her. If solider boy had never come back, bet she wouldn't have broken it off with me.

So there I am living out my every fantasy with the Buffy bot. Never thought I'd touch the real thing. And let's face it what guy wouldn't do just about anything to have his dream girl?.

But that's the problem Buffy bot wasn't my dream girl. I would have known that, but for a second it felt good to have her saying those things to me, that she wanted me, needed me, desired me, that I'm her big bad. But there is only one real deal for me and that's Buffy.

After she found out about the bot. I almost got killed by Glory. Wanted to know who the sodding key was. Like I'd tell that cheap made up whore God who the key was. Never betray Bit like that. Almost died. But know what? It was worth it. She forgave me bout the bot. Took my toy away course, told me how gross it was, but then you know what? She kissed me. A real kiss on the lips. Soft light and only for a second, but she really kissed me. That's when I thought...that's when I got hope again. That's when I thought someday we might get together. But I bearly dared to hope. But I thought maybe...and then just when I was starting to hope. They took her from me. Pulled her right from my arms that never got to hold her. She died...for real this time. And I never got to hold her. I think bout the irony of that and it almost kills me. There I am trying to kill her for so long. Making it my drive and desire. Then When I finally get the chance. I don't, cause I've fallen all in love with her. Then just when I think I've got a chance with her. She dies.

I wasted so much time, fighting with her. But I didn't know. How could I have known? I use to torture myself with that. Use to blame myself something awful. If I just protected Dawn like she asked me to. None of this would have ever happened. I was broken after that. When she went she took my spirit, my essence with her. I had no drive, nothing tasted sweet. I didn't suffer alone though. Her friends took it hard. Bit especially. I took care of Bit. Stayed with her. Kept her safe. Tired to make up for how I failed her. God I failed her. I used to think of a thousand different ways save her. But every morning I used to wake up and she wouldn't be there. Just the emptiness, but no her. And it hurt. It was pain, it was torment. Don't know how I managed not to stake myself. But I hung on somehow. Day by day getting through the pain. God seems like it was yesterday. All was lost...she was gone. Then it happened.